Wow. It’s been quite the week, since my last blog. I didn’t realise how much that confirming something I kinda knew already would hit me like a brick.
I read a Facebook post from a friend with ADHD who said that when he was first diagnosed, he spent some time grieving. Now, am I just suggestible, so I immediately started grieving? Or did this realisation knock me for six? Who knows? (Fair to say, I’m always worth using for the placebo group in any clinical trial…)
But over the past week, it’s like my brain has exploded. I’m second guessing absolutely everything. Everything I knew about myself now seems to be a symptom (trait) of ADHD. At this stage, it’s quite possible that I have no personality at all – I’m just a list of symptoms.
I’ve been hyper-vigilant, hypersensitive, hyper-focused and… well, hyper.
My mental health plummeted last week – they say that ADHD is like having 40 tabs open at once – hard relate! Last week felt like 80 tabs, plus a running commentary of every one. I was aware of everything around me – playing tennis on one court, I could have told you the score 2 courts away. It felt as though I was being judged by everyone around me and my inner voice was shouting abuse too – it was utterly exhausting.
I’m trying to slow it down. Keep telling myself that nothing’s changed. I’m the same person as I was before – I’ve learned to love my eccentricities, my boundless energy, my doing 30 things at once, my craving for attention (thank you comedy, my saviour), my sensitivity to other people’s feelings (I think. Oh God, now you’re probably thinking that’s crap and I’ve got too high an opinion of myself, some kind of saviour complex. You’re probably right. I’m awful)
At the course I attended last week, we talked about how to make written communications more accessible for neurodivergent folk: shorter sentences, use of bold to make it more readable. And I’d noted that I don’t read books any more. The only book I’ve completed for ages was Sarah Millican’s How To Be Champion, which had short sentences, very short chapters & loads of jokes.
I’ve also always got to the end of a book and had zero memory of what happened, as soon as I’ve put it down. I’ve re-read favourite novels over & over, never remembering what happened, and enjoying them afresh each time. All ADHD traits, apparently.
So I ordered a book about ADHD in women. I thought ‘that’s bound to help’. It arrived today. Holy hell, it’s hard work. I’m sending it back, with the note that it’s inaccessible to people with ADHD. You couldn’t make it up…
I also joined a couple of Facebook groups, but they’re hard work too. Fully of hyper focused people! What’s that about?! I should’ve realised when they said ‘average 4000 posts per day’ (I’m joking. They’re lovely people. I’m still funny, right??)
The worst thing I did was attend a reunion of an antenatal group (I was their teacher). I arrived to meet 16 parents & their newborn babies. Someone said ‘Hi Pauline, how are you?’ and I said ‘OMG, I’m knackered like you wouldn’t believe!!’ Awkward silence.
I probably am just an awful person…
Pauline Eyre 